That is me … almost a year ago, lonely, hidden on Polish seaside for a few weeks, which I was supposed to spend on accepting the fact of finishing the career as hydroengineer and facing the unreal situation which has occurred in my job as well. The absurdity of situation equaled to my employer’s surprise while handling the immediate termination of the employment contract due to the employer’s fault at the end of October 2016.
Reaching the age of 33 I became unemployed and completely broken. After 7 years of hard work I didn’t make a husband, family or own a corner to live. The fact of lack of perspective to stay in profession can’t be ignored.
The intangible aspects such as: neurosis, insomnia, headaches and stomachaches as well as crying – the only way to let the tension and bad emotions out of my body – have been the everyday side effects of crossing the limit of patience and agreeing to life in absurdity for more than 3 years.
When I fainted at work in September 2016 I realized that I couldn’t have lived like that. My previous destructive thinking has changed – just like that – immediately after hitting my head on the parquet.
The daily tips given by my colleague didn’t give such big effect as the knockout with the floor in the office.
I have stopped using the word must. I have stopped exploiting my brain and body in the name of salary and experience.
I remember hot day in September 2016. I had been planning to spend Friday’s evening and weekend to advance projects before my 4-week vacation. I remember the phone call after 3 o’clock with the information, confirming that the duties of my boss haven’t been fulfilled since my employment. I went into hysterics. I shouted to my friend that it was over. That I wouldn’t take any project to work at home. That I didn’t give a shit so I wouldn’t carry on my shoulders the mess anymore. And also that I wouldn’t go back to work after the holiday …
I have lost the ground under my feet and a sense of illusory stabilization. I chose unemployment at the expense of the profession I loved and which made me feel fulfilled.
So that it’s me … I should start the post from introducing myself.
My name is Magda. I exist as Magdalena Ewa on my ID card. I was called the Small as a kid – being the youngest member of my family. I stayed in memory of friends from faculty as Laara – because of 2 long braids, which made me look similar to the main character of game Tomb Raider. People used to call me: Magdalenka, Magda, Magducha … My name isn’t too complicated to foreign friends: Madeline, Mahda. I become Madagaskarka or Magdula recently.
Why all this? I’m trying to find my own path. I do not know who I want to be now. I do not know if the engineer at any price?
I have no plan. I have just been using the unemployment time to get back to the reality and find myself, which I lost at least 3 years ago.
The diary didn’t help … Maybe the blog will restore the faith in myself and my value.
I wish the blog became an excuse and a kick to develop the creativity as well execute the ideas, which must have been given up in the name of being an engineer.